LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday. Witnesses told reporters that the brilliantly blue sky and mid-70s temperatures were, within a matter of moments, blotted out of Unger’s mind by persistent anxieties about the various decaying relationships in his life, the abandoned ambitions that led him to an excruciating low-level career, and dozens upon dozens of other personal shortcomings, completely neutralizing any positive psychological impact from the feeling of sunlight on his skin and the sight of thousands of leaves re-emerging from long-dormant tree branches.
Comment on Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life
The Onion, The Onion
Tue, 04/12/2016 - 7:46am
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