The Onion

The global wild tiger census has reached 3,890, the first increase in population in over 100 years and significantly higher than the last survey’s all-time low in 2010. What do you think?

NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight.

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Before you start planting, make sure your local terrain is conducive to growing the kinds of vegetables you can stuff with cheese and deep-fry.After supplying your plants with soil and water, sprinkle a few gummy bears on top as a little treat.To prevent your plants from becoming waterlogged, be sure to regularly curse or otherwise offend the Mayan rain god Tohil.Earthworms are extremely beneficial for cultivating soil, and you can legally pay them next to nothing!

A survey of San Francisco job applicants found that unemployed people who smoke have more difficulty getting hired and that employed smokers earn an average of $5 less per hour than their nonsmoking counterparts.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share

THE BAYOU—Noting that just ’bout everybody was shut up indoors on account of the weather been sump’n awful, fly-swattin’ local sources done confirmed Tuesday dat nothing doing down Louisiana way.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share